Holy Emotional, Batman!

Well where do I begin? I have had what feels like my entire world caving in on me. I don't think I have ever been this emotional in my life. There is just so much crazy going on, I just don't know how to deal with it all I guess. I have been crying WAY more than I think I ever have in one period of time. So here it goes I'm going to lay it out. That way you don't stop reading and go OMG another freaking emo kid allowed to have a blog ARG! Hopefully when your done that will not be your reaction. I used to make fun of those emo sissies myself! Ok, Where was I? Oh yeah laying it out there. Well for the last year give or take a few weeks I was "seeing" someone. (I was seeing him and he was seeing everyone else.) After continuous lies and me being dumb enough to believe them. We are no more. Now the lies that were told, were along these lines; "Yes, we are going to be official I just need a little more time don't worry so much." and "When people ask we're together but it's complicated. So just tell them it's complicated." and "I don't know if I'm completely ready for full on commitment." "No your the only one I've been seeing, you have nothing to worry about no one else likes me like that." So like I said after being extremely naive and wasting a year of my life waiting around for this idiot asshole to get his shit together completely so we can be "official" and not some dirty little secret (only thing that comes to mind when I think about it now.) He gives me the "I think we should just be friends" speech. After a year "with" this guy It was obvious that I was emotionally involved. He however was not even though he made it seem that way. A couple text fights later, I was civil. So a few days go by and I find out that mister not ready for a full on commitment had a date mere days after the "let's be friends" speech.(Yet he felt so bad that he "broke my heart."( BULLSHIT lying piece of crap!) So I texted  him asking how is date went (I was being sarcastic and didn't expect him to write back especially because of the nature of our last argument) He writes back that it was great and blah blah blah acting like nothing ever happened between us and we were the best of friends. Then my asshole curiosity struck me and I got the bright idea to ask him if she was the reason for the "let's be friends" speech to which he replied "yeah she is." At this point I'm fucking livid. So I investigate the girl and come to find out he was talking to her just about as long as he was "with" me if not longer. I told him to lose my number and I didn't want to speak to him anymore. He seemed confused by this, so I told him the reasons he needed to lose my number and I no longer wanted to speak to him. A few days go by and I think to myself that the crying and being heartbroken the usual b.s. that happens when girls are betrayed, lied to, used, and just all around hurt. Will be over soon, Then that idea got shot in the ass! Mr. non-commitment texts me once again like nothing happened. (I swear this guy has a mental deficiency. He just doesn't get it!)  So after a few mindless texts. I called his ass out on somethings that I had heard. One of which was him talking with this girl when he was "with" me. To which he didn't deny, What he did do was get pissed and stopped talking to me. :D(Exactly what I had wanted him to do several days before.) and after the usual deleting from facebook, Mr. non-commitment is suddenly in a relationship with the skank in question. Once again I was livid as hell, but I did something I have never done before. What is that you may ask? I let it go! Now for any of you that know me and know me well I let nothing go EVER no matter how big or small it is. I just didn't have the strength to continue fighting with him and causing my self more heart ache. The best thing for me to do was to let it go, I genuinely cared ALOT for this guy. I needed time to heal and if I were to continue the arguments and whatnot I would just cause my self more pain. Now the next several days after all this everything I did I would cry because something would remind me of what I thought I had. I still fight back tears, now in those several days of holding back tears and putting on a "happy" face. I received more glorious news, My great aunt (who is more of a grandparent to me than a great aunt.) is not doing well. She needs a liver transplant, but was removed from the transplant list because she has cancer of the spine. After being diagnosed with breast cancer a year beforehand. I don't get to see my aunt very often, but when I do it's like we haven't gone more than a day without seeing each other. This woman used to babysit me everyday when I was little and was a very big part of my childhood. She was really the only connection to my biological dad's side of my family. (Here's a little bit of an explanation.) My Grandma on my dad's side never really wanted anything to do with me. She would tell people she was embarrassed to take me anywhere with her because I was too fat.(Her words not mine.) Whenever I am in the company of my aunt and the subject of my grandma and the statement and how she treated me comes up, my aunt always says "I'd be your grandma if I could baby." (Makes me smile and well up at the same time just to know she cares that much about me.) So after finding this out my heart is just about shattered. The only reason I even know about my aunt getting worse was a damn post on facebook. Not one person on my dad's side of the family could call and tell me what was going on with her. I have had the same phone number for longer than I can remember so they can't use not having it as an excuse. Now what finished off my heart and completely shattered it the rest of the way into a million pieces, I received a phone call from Yeti. Not thinking anything of it, I answered in my usual peppy tone. I could tell almost instantly something was wrong as soon as I heard the tone in Yeti's voice. All I think was "Great more bad news." Yeti asked if I had been on facebook lately. I had been a little earlier, but I was at work so I hadn't been. Yeti told me about a post on facebook concerning yet another aunt of mine. (Can you tell the majority of my information comes from fucking facebook!) It appears her cancer has come back, This woman the same as my great aunt has been through hell and back with this shit. So once again I find myself fighting back tears and trying to hide all the pain I'm feeling at this time. It's been going ok so far, I've only been crying when I'm by myself or blogging about it. I have cried so flipping much I'm pretty sure my tear ducts should be as dry as the Sahara desert, Yet they prove me wrong every time.  I know I'm not alone and everyone has their own problems but I needed to write about all this. I don't openly speak about what I'm feeling, thinking, and all that other stuff. I keep everything in, I do this because I don't want pity or people to think I'm being stupid and over dramatic. Like anyone else I'm not a fan of criticism, I just need someone to listen and who is the best listener other than a sister or friend? This here blog because it can't talk back or make me feel like garbage for spilling my guts. I can pour out every feeling, emotion, piss off anything and not get that guilty feeling that I just burdened the shit out of someone. I normally don't pour my heart out about whats bothering me, I just bottle everything up and hide it the best I can. That bottle though is close to overflowing and exploding. I needed to do this, because I haven't been able to sleep, my panic attacks are coming back with a damn vengeance, and I'm just not my fun loving self lately. I literally don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I go to Yeti's and I'm "happy" for a little while. It all comes flooding back eventually. I am now realizing this blog is extremely long, somewhat depressing, and not my usual witty, pun-filled sarcasm. I've had 4 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and I should probably go get ready for work.


Until next time and hopefully on a much note,
Shay's Crazy Mundane Life.

Habits Suck! Oh well life goes on.

Welp, this ones going to be about habits and couple other things that have been going on in my life. I thankfully quit smoking, but because I couldn't breathe so I was somewhat forced into quitting which in the long run is better for me anyway. I just hope and pray that I don't give into that temptation and start all over again. I just need the support of my family and friends. Now another thing that's going on, My mom is currently in the hospital because she can't breathe. It's scary as hell to see the person you consider to be your superman laying up in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask on gasping for air. The first night in the hospital with her was absolutely terrifying. I was afraid to sleep so was she. Thankfully she is doing much better today. No gasping! I really don't think this blog is going to be long one. Oh I do have something to bitch about. (yeah you thought you were going to get away from that with this blog didn't ya?) I recently started doing tattoos. I did a tattoo on a so-called friend of mine. Now mind you I only charged him 15 bucks for the tattoo. He only gave me 5 at the time and said he'd pay me later. I still haven't gotten the other 10. So when I was done with this pain in the ass to do tattoo, I explained to this jackass how take care of it. I also specifically said and repeated myself to him to not fucking scratch the damn thing. Everyone with tattoos knows this is common fucking sense! This idiot did everything I told him not to do including dig the shit out of it when it was healing. Now he wants me to fix it. It's his fuck up not mine I did my job the healing part was up to him and he screwed it up! So I am refusing to fix it because he'll just end up fucking it up again and wasting my time, effort, ink, and needles. I don't know what I should do about it for sure. I don't want to fix it because of my above statement, yet I don't want this moron walking around with a shitty looking tattoo telling people I did it. So I will continue to argue with myself until I come to a conclusion.

Until Next Time,

Shay's Crazy Mundane Life.